Confession, I’m a do it yourself kind of person…whether I can blame my star sign or because I like torture- not sure, but sometimes I find it hard to wave the white flag and reach out to someone when I am struggling or when I am in need of a hand, big or small. On this week’s blog post, we get deep…let’s walk through it together.
Call it pride, stubbornness or even immaturity, but I find it hard to speak up and ask for help; for some reason to me- I feel like it reveals a vulnerability in me, one that I do not like to show very often. Anyone who knows me (R1) personally knows that for the past couple of years, I’ve had a good bit on my plate and while in no way is it more or less than the average person, I attest that I never allowed myself to actually “fall apart” so to speak. I told myself, I needed to be strong, put together and plow through- which I did, but I am now finding that the stresses which I avoided and the frailty of how I really felt, is only now surfacing. TBH, I can’t deal with it. I feel like there is always someone who has it tougher, who has it harder, someone who is suffering far more than I am- so I cannot wallow. I have always been a fairly open and honest person, but expressing my deepest and darkest fears?! Mmmm, now that was tough. I fight with being
honest with the ones I love and not wanting to burden them with my fears and worries. I battle with being 100% open and honest and projecting the image of what people have always known me to be. If I’m always the one who sorts things, the reliable one, how can I fall apart? How can I stumble? Will I not be disappointing them? What image of a strong, fierce woman am I portraying to my daughter, if I show the cracks? This is the internal struggle I have been juggling a lot more lately, especially as a lot of changes are heading my way. With every passing day, I feel a build up of anxiety- I never knew before- it shows itself as tears- tears that I can’t hold back and sometimes I don’t hold back.
A Little Help From My Friends
People say that they are there for you, sometimes in passing comments and other times as a moment out of courtesy, it’s not often that you have people who will LITERALLY listen to you; their mere presence a comfort. I have a circle of friends which over the years has gotten smaller, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, because it means the ones who are present are the cream of the crop. Despite that, I still find it hard to lay it all out on the table- I feel like I’m wallowing or complaining. But this is an issue with me, because I have never received any retribution or being made to feel lesser than, yet…I resist. I have to say that I have amazing friends; their unwavering support of me and my feelings has been one of the main things which allows me to keep going. Their positivity and non-judgement is so special to me; I feel like I can be myself and it allows me to really assess my feelings honestly. I don’t know if I express that enough to them but you know who you are! There’s something about vulnerability which makes it so hard to express, but feels like a release when you do open up. Life and its struggles, huh?
Starting the blog has become a form of therapy, a way for me to focus and manage my thoughts and opinions on many subjects. This post was difficult to write, it came about in a rush of emotion, but I wrote it not, to be dramatic and honestly not for sympathy, but because it has become cathartic for me to write down my emotions. We would love to hear from you guys, your tips and advice on how you deal with over-whelming stress.