I begin this blog post, not as a congratulation or even as a signpost to mark where I am at, but more as a push for me to examine and motivate myself that I am still here and still persevering. Especially when it often feels like I am drowning in a sea of uncertainty and self-doubt. I suppose the nature of having my birthday just a couple of weeks away from the end of the year, it’s only natural for me to take the time and be pensive about the year we are leaving behind. This post is to serve as a reminder for me to chill, breathe and take in all that I have endured, all that I have lived through and the lessons I have learned about people, life, but mostly about what I learned about myself.
Often times, my feelings of self-doubt and fear come to me at night, (How To Stop Overthinking Like A Boss) after my daughter’s been put to bed, the housework is complete and I have time to fester. I would be lying if I said that the past couple of months have been good months for me mentally and emotionally. Despite having people to talk to, I couldn’t help but feel alone in my own home, particularly when I am not actually alone. I’ve felt that the one area in my life which over the years was the most stable and was the LEAST dramatic…had started to crumble. And while a major part of that is out of my control, the fact of the matter is, the life I thought I had wanted, isn’t the same anymore. Not for me, personally but also not for me within said relationship. I will accept that after two years of this “new” development, I am at a point where I’m starting to believe it isn’t in my best interest to keep fighting; because I feel like I am slowly chipping away at me; slowly losing myself. I silence my thoughts and feelings, I sit and smile and save face when I really just want to disappear. I feel rejected, dismissed and invisible…in my own home; a place where I should feel safe and comfortable. What makes it difficult to hold on to and accept the feelings I am feeling, is the fact that mental illness isn’t something you choose. I feel it’s selfish of me to complain about it when it is not my body that is physically suffering, but that being said- I AM still suffering. I don’t know what I expected this journey to be like, when you are in a long-term relationship there will inevitably be tough times, but when you’re both fighting with the same “tools” you come out on the other end of it. At this stage, I do not feel like we’re reading from the same book, or even in the same library! Yea…I took that analogy a step too far, but you get what I mean…I hope. 😝
We read and surf through inspirational quote after the other and cheer from the back, regarding living our best life and making or being the change we want to see etc…but just how many of us are actually turning that into ACTION!? I know, personally, I am one of those people. I have plans, ideas, thoughts but I am reluctant to take the leap towards change. Why? Because I am comfortable; I am constantly accessing the damage I would cause if I make a shift, the feelings of guilt, the fact that I would be giving up on a person I essentially pledged to be with through sickness and health (not in the legally married part, but in the 12 years together part). I somehow feel as if my internal turmoil and conflict is easier for me to bear, than pulling the rug from under the life I have built up.
What I also know to be true is the fact that it is fear deciding my choices. Fear of having to be vulnerable to another, fear of beginning again. Fear of it not working out as planned. Fear, fear, fear. So I tell myself, maybe, I can manage my feelings, refocus and shift my eyes on the bigger picture. But the fact of the matter is when I attempt to do just that- I go right back to the deep feelings of loneliness and I am faced with the truth; I will not be able to truly be happy and ultimately be myself; until I break free. I am doing more damage to myself in the long run if I deny how I am truly feeling but what really hits home is the silent message I would be portraying to my daughter. What type of relationship am I showing her for herself? Am I showing her to settle? Would I want her to settle? And with the answer being no…I have also given myself the answer as well.