Outspoken. Yes. Passionate. Yes. Opinionated. 100%. Sensitive. That too. Negative? I’ve been called worse. Like most people, I’ll fully admit to being complicated and multifaceted. As much as I can be a social butterfly, I tend to keep new people at a distance and not let them know the true me- call it protectionism. I am also very much an all or nothing person and tough love comes naturally to me (that’s because I care so much). But, as I age and hopefully mature, I recognize that I use the resting b@%7* face as a defense mechanism and in turn- it is starting to erode me and not the recipient. As 35 approaches, I realise I need to face some of my demons and get rid of some of the baggage, because well…why carry it around? In this blog post, I attempt to shed light on the reasons I tend to keep people at bay and the reasons I need to peel the layers back on that hurt little girl inside. So! Join me on this digital therapy session.
I’ve always been Miss Independent, Miss I don’t need your help. My mother has lots of stories of me just going off and doing things on my own, much to her chagrin, but as I got older this independence spilled over into my relationships. I’ve never been the type to appreciate acts of chivalry and I hated when a guy would try to step up and help out in some way or another. To tell you the truth, I would be the person, fully struggling, but would reject any form of help. So when it came to boyfriends, I did not do too much of the hand holding, the hugging and the kissing- and to have a clingy bf literally was/is a turn off.
Lately I’ve been feeling more and more overwhelmed with all of my emotions, whether it’s the change in weather, the fact that I have felt more and more isolated within myself, thus making me feel home sick more acutely. It’s all been a stewing pot of spilling over emotions. Needless to say as I write this, I originally thought a mere confessional blog post would be enough, but I’ve realized that what I may really need is to seek actual help and gain a deeper knowledge of myself and of my emotions. Especially if I can gain tips and methods in order to help me find the calm and the slither of positivity- because there is always something positive, right? But that will be a post for later.
This confessional is that of 34 years in the making, if you know me then maybe you would be surprised to hear that at home, in my everyday life and to those who know me closest/best. I am a grumpy person. Ok, let me rephrase- I’m grumpy depending on who I’m with. For the most part with my siblings and close family I am very pleasant and chill, maybe because they know me best and love me no matter what. Or maybe it’s because we all have roles within our family structure and it’s pretty well balanced (at least it feels like that to me)- we have never had a falling out or gotten into a fight as adults. But if you were to scroll out one iota, then you would meet distant/grumpy/less patient Rekeisha. She is quick tempered, impatient, sharp tongued and constantly eye-rolling (mostly internally). This is probably because she doesn’t feel as accepted or comfortable and I’ve come to realize/accept it’s a defence mechanism. If I were to dig even deeper, I believe this Rekeisha has a deep fear of rejection and instead of waiting to be rejected, she would much rather be the one doing the rejecting. She also usually presents herself just as she gets home, is tired and much less patient, when meals need to be prepared and when 99% of the weight of her second shift lands squarely on her shoulders. As I’ve gotten older, I have struggled to find a balance with keeping her at bay- having less and less patience for things which irritate me and less and less filter in order to just pretend and appease others. Being told that I need to temper myself and find ways to be chipper and all smiles as I do all the tidying or the dishes is usually the best way to meet grumpy Rekeisha.
I recognize that in some ways, I’m not being fair to myself, because some of my frustrations are “normal” and given the situation, others may feel the same or sympathize, but I would still like to be better. I also realise that a lot of my emotions come from caring so very much. I guess you can call it tough love, but I see that I need to try a different approach. If I say something negative as opposed to something else, maybe it’s my tone, maybe it’s my complexion or maybe I am just a terrible poker player, but the fact of the matter is- I feel like I don’t have the license to get upset or be emotional anymore. Maybe, it’s the unresolved daddy issues I carry or my lack of trust in men or maybe the problem as a whole is me. Which is why I have chosen to take an active step towards my healing and have sought out therapy, for myself, but also mostly because I don’t want to pass on my traumas to my daughter. The cycle ends here.