I am a runner. Nope, not the running shoes, heavy breathing and sweaty running runner. The I-no-longer-feel-happy-safe-settled-or-off running from relationships like a track and field athlete. Being home quarantined allows you time to do a lot of thinking. Some of that thinking may not be so good, but ultimately it allows you to take stock of your life and part of that taking stock means being honest with yourself about past mistakes and patterns. This week’s blog post I get real, honest and open about my triggers and how I am trying to avoid them (possibly failing miserably), but trying anyways. Explore with me.
Be brave enough to heal yourself, even if it hurts.Bianca Sparacino
In the interest of being fully transparent, I have quietly given myself the name of Sabotage Sally, though humorous- it’s true. It’s not that I don’t fight or work on my relationships or give up far too easily. But, I often will find a reason in which it cannot work out, I focus on it and ultimately it blossoms into (shocker) an issue. I revert to rejection, put up a well-built wall, sell the tough guy act and pretend it all has zero emotional impact on me. But the truth of the matter is- I am beyond scared. I would much rather be doing the rejecting than receiving the rejection. I don’t think I have ever been my true self with anyone; I have come close but I have never fully been me. I struggle to like myself at the best of times, still overthinking the way in which I said something from a random conversation, because I still keep a log of it in my mind. How can I expect someone to take me as I am? What possible endearing quality does self-sabotage have?
If you were to ask me if I was a people pleaser, I would give you a swift no, but the fact of the matter is everyone wants to be liked- even the toughest of us. When I look internally, I realize I like the feeling of someone returning attention in my direction, despite how I feel about it deep down. I would do things in order to earn their interest, this manifested itself in ensuring endless hours of documentaries/programs which I had little to no interest, engaging in a relationship I knew wasn’t good for me simply because I knew they felt deeply for me. I accepted a marriage proposal from a dude I dated for only 8 months with a flimsy immigration status. Yes, I was 18- very much infatuated with him and the thrill of the unknown, I knew it was a bad idea, but Sabotage Sally was like meh yolo. It is one of my biggest regrets, I know they say it builds character- but I carry it with me. I allowed someone to convince me I didn’t want a wedding in some of its traditional senses when in fact, I did want some of the aspects and because of this my image of a wedding has been tainted.
So maybe all in all I don’t feel like I deserve deep rooted, stable love. Maybe it doesn’t exist for me. Maybe there is no getting over a 20 year relationship with someone who was your best friend first. Maybe the fairytale was there for me and maybe there’s no round two. Update: I wrote this blog post in a time when I was feeling overwhelming loss. It was a moment that hit and took me by surprise. I do not feel this way and fully know that I am capable of and will receive the love I deserve. While no one will be able to match the 20 year(s) span I experienced, it doesn’t compete- it just remains a part of my story and with this I am very proud, because it gave me my daughter. In the process of pouring my thoughts out I was able to sit in these emotions and see them for what they were. Grief and loss comes in stages and sometimes it surprises you, but it doesn’t diminish or change the path you’re on. Love will find me.