I began a post about my inability or reluctance to ask for help, and in writing that post it not only became cathartic, but it also became emotionally shedding. Covid has me watching a lot, and I mean a lot of television content, but I was determined to make it one of self-discovery. Recently, I have been watching a lot of episodes of Red Talk Table, and it’s become almost like a digital therapy session. It has allowed me to see myself in the guests and hosts, but also ask myself some deep rooted questions. So, I decided to explore more indepthly the reasons why for many years my hurt and pain and ultimately the fear of being hurt was what lead my decision making and why I am finally ready to let it all go.
I will tell you right from the start, this post was hard to begin, the flashing cursor on the screen matched my heartbeat, but this time what I wasn’t going to do, was run from it. We have always been transparent on the blog about our experiences, but also about our healing and let’s face it 2020 is a year of healing and resetting, Lord knows it didn’t really get started. Being at home and mostly alone, it has allowed the silence to sink in, and I’ll admit- some days it wasn’t really welcomed. But on the days, when I was really ready to explore my thoughts; what really brought my last relationship to a close and really just what makes me tick? Who is this Rekeisha, and do I like her enough?
The strongest hearts have the most scars.
For a long time, I realized that I made maneuvers in order to please the men in my life; hard to admit, but it’s a fact. Luckily it was never anything major, you know- just moving 1/2 way across the world and giving up your dream job while on the cusp of a major promotion. Little things. While, I made those decisions with a heart full of love and risk, I ultimately did them out of the need or desire to please. Despite warning signs and in some cases, fully ignoring them, but also knowing deep down that the gesture wouldn’t be reciprocated if the shoe was on the other foot. I always knew that. I have always been the one making the effort, going out of my way, making the sacrifices. I know relationships are about give and take and that in certain cases for various reasons life throws at us, 1 person may be the bearer of more weight some of the times but this shouldn’t be the case all the time. I was that person, I would offer you my arm, even it it meant I would lose out or would struggle without it. I just didn’t want to say no, I wanted to fully love and support, because they would love me more, right? I was so caught up in getting their attention because it fed the lie that that meant I was loved. When really it was just a patch because I merely gave them what they wanted.
I can look back and safely say that my 1st ever love was my father. This is probably true for many little girls, I worshipped the ground he walked on, he could literally do no wrong. I spent a lot of my childhood seeking his approval, and in some ways- I never felt like I got it. Of course the idea that our parents are perfect is flawed, our parents are flawed and in turn we are flawed. When my parents divorced and my father became a version of himself I didn’t recognize, a part of me died along with my favourite memories of him. He said hurtful things, he did hurtful things, he rejected me, he betrayed my trust and he ultimately broke my heart. Maybe, I didn’t know it then and maybe it wasn’t a conscious choice, but I became emotionally distant to anyone who wasn’t my family. I didn’t want to be hurt the same way again, so I chose to shut men emotionally out at this point- it came so naturally. I realized as well that in some ways, I stopped myself from getting too attached to any one person, because if they owned too much of my heart, they would only be able to hurt as much as my father did. Over time, I kind of lost track of who I really was and morphed into parts of me, never really fully showing up as my authentic self.
you can love yourself and still be a work in progress.
When I became single again, after 15+ years, I was met with getting to know myself again, finding out what made me tick; in some ways, I made the choice to be more selfish and do the things I wanted to do, with or without company. I was going to update my bucket list and I was going to actively start ticking them off. Last year, I wrote a post about journeying back to myself and though at the time I was coming fresh off the emotional train, at a year and a half later, I can genuinely say that I am proud of who I am and that if you do the things that are best for you and for you, it will work out. You might still be single, you might be in a relationship, but the best healing you can do, is getting to know you. Without judgement, and without shame- at the end of the day- it’s not like you can go back and fix it and even if you did, what good would it do? It wouldn’t make you who you are today. I say this with absolute certainty, speaking your truth is hard, it’s painful, there will be hearts broken and maybe some egos bruised. But, the feeling of “freedom” on the other side of it, cannot be matched. I sat on my feelings for almost 5 years, I didn’t want to rock the boat, there were too many years under the bridge to draw a separation line, emotional/mental wellness came into play. But at the end of the day, I looked myself in the mirror and thought, in 5 years, if you’re still here, how would you feel? That was when I knew the answer, I was just too scared to say it out loud.
My broken relationship with my father might have broken or shattered my trust in men and in me, but I am doing the healing all on my own. I am taking the steps to be happy with Rekeisha. Happy in the decisions I have made to foster a healthy & happy household. The realization was painful, but the healing has been really cathartic.