Healing is A Funny Thing

Healing is a funny thing, you spend the countless nights thinking about your decision to leave,
It doesn’t come lightly.
You finally set your mind to it, you speak it into existence,
You breathe out the anxiety and just like that, you’re internal dialogue is now a reality,
Things are packed away and you are on your way to begin anew,
Between all the newness and the important mini milestones,
You get caught up in your fresh start, you almost don’t catch your breath.
And then, when all is still, when you can truly call it your own- this new life you have begun.
Like a fox waiting to pounce, worry, doubt and fear creep in,
Maybe not in that order, maybe not so obviously, but they creep,
When you’re sitting in your living room with nothing but the sound of the buzzing in your ear, you look around and wonder, is alone really what you wanted?
Did you leave a tornado of pain in your wake, so that you could sit in the stillness and feel…a void?
How selfish.
Did you really think someone else would take on the baggage?
The insecurities?
The fear of rejection?
The parting words of past relationships swirl in your head
And you wonder maybe this is what you deserve.
Maybe alone is the best there is out there for me.
But thoughts become your reality, and the reality is.
I know I deserve more, at the very least,
I deserve to be happy.
Deep intakes of breaths,
Shaking away of emotions which will not fuel my growth.
Renewal and living life on the other side of a relationship rupture is not only possible,
But you can and will thrive.
You deserve it; the baggage, insecurities and fear of rejection and all.
Someone will love and cherish all that you are,
You will find them, but first begin by accepting that you are deserving,
Healing comes in waves, sometimes at the most obscure instances,
Sometimes with the flash of a memory,
Shooting through your veins,
But all the while, you are still healing,
Because healing is a funny thing…

Oct 2020- R1