Sabotage

All this time, I claimed to know what I want,
Now, it’s here in front of me,
In all its calm, patient glory and I don’t know what to do with it,
I’m so scared it’s a trap,
The other shoe will drop,
There will be a catch and I will realize why I’ve had my guard up this whole time,
Justified,
But the big reveal isn’t coming,
Months have passed and I am still waiting,
It isn’t there,
Instead of relaxing and trusting
I begin to push back, test the boundaries,
See how far that quiet patience will stretch,
I don’t feel I deserve something this good,
So I attempt to taint it,
In my typical fashion,
Then I’ll have a reason to find fault,
But maybe the issue is with me,
With why I do not believe I deserve happiness,
Why I don’t deserve to feel, real, lasting love,
Maybe I need to do the work,
Simply learn to let go and be in the now,
Let the love engulf me…because I am deserving.

April 2021- R1