Auditing My Life

One of the things this pandemic has caused, is a reset. It has allowed us, if we dared, to look inward and address some of the things we have been putting off. All of our lists of things we mourn doing, our hidden fears, or suppressed goals. Forcing us to assess some of the things we would like and live the life we thought we would or should be living. As we head into the fall season, it’s made me settle in a bit more and think about how I’ve changed as a person, and how I could bloom further. Read along with me and see if we share some of the same blossoming.

Keep going, because you did not come this far to only come this far.

Believing in my own beauty & worth: I’ll preface this with saying that beauty in no way equates worth; but often times in this massive Instagram culture, having a socially accepted physical appearance can make you feel like you matter or you are “seen” more. I fully am aware it’s a facade and it’s not something I buy into, but what I want to buy into more is seeing my own beauty. On the days I feel like Quasimodo or just not like my reflection, I want to hold myself accountable and dig deeper. I want to look down at my stretch marks and feel some kind of positive feeling towards them and not shame. Not feeling as if they are a reductive feature, but in fact a part of my tapestry. Let’s be honest, I have to accept that I am not/ nor will I be a supermodel, but that doesn’t mean that I am bad on the eyes either ๐Ÿ˜‰, because not matter what anyone says, I believe at the end of the day we all want to feel desired, seen and valued; and I am no different. What I don’t want to do is seek the validation from others, I am fully aware that the change comes from within and I have to tap into the internal resources I possess. When you get a feeling like someone doesn’t want you or feel levels of rejection, it can easily be turned inward and feel like there is something wrong with you. I’m trying to solidify the internal so that outside forces don’t chip away at my inner foundation.

Stepping into my knowledge: This probably applies more for me professionally rather than personally, but I would like to be much more assured in what I know. I have been in my role for many years, I began as a simple data entry clerk and though I have always had an eye for fashion and trends, it took me a long time to get to the position I currently hold. The fact of the matter is, I am one of the reasons I never had the role sooner and that’s because I wasn’t vocal enough, I wasn’t brave enough to speak up in meetings, I wasn’t brave enough to be confident in my role, despite the knowledge I possess. So, I want to own it and be more direct and open about myself and the role I play. I need to speak up more and in some ways put people in their place when they are overstepping. I tend to pick my battles a lot and in ways, it can come across like I am passive, but sometimes it’s not worth the stress and at the end of the day it doesn’t really affect my life, but what I do need to do, is set clearer boundaries and make it known that it’s not something I would be willing to accept further. Putting myself out there more, taking up more space in meetings or within my role- know that I am there for a reason and that I am fully capable to do the job and more.

Remember: Difficult, doesn’t mean impossible.

Trying to be liked less: This was a hard one for me to come to terms with, but despite the facade or what it may look like, I really do want to be liked, who doesn’t? This is especially hard for me in my social relationships, I feel like I should be stronger, I shouldn’t care if an invitation hasn’t been extended my way. But no matter what, I immediately begin to think there is something wrong with me or my personality or something I’ve said that has gotten me excluded. What I need to do is to feel less like it’s something I did to warrant this behaviour, because at the end of the day no matter what I do or would like to do- I am only responsible for my own behaviour and the consequences that come with it. I cannot control someone else, nor will I ever, so spending time lost thinking about it, isn’t productive. And it does nothing to serve me either so I have to learn to release it and let it go, because life will play out as it is intended.

Being more selfish: I don’t mean this in the context of behaviours, but more in doing more for myself, by myself. This summer, I had a list of things I wanted to tick off, especially after lockdown- it increased the desire to be more of a tourist in my city. The only problem was, I either have someone to do it with or I felt bad leaving certain people out. In the end, it didn’t get ticked off the list, and though I know there will be other times and everything cannot be done in the short summer months, but at the same time- I had the opportunities, I merely sat on my laurels and waited for someone….and it looks like that someone never came. In the end who loses out? Me. So, I would like to become more comfortable in my own company, not needing someone to do things with. In the spirit of being open and honest, I have to acknowledge that in order for me to be “selfish” I also need a village or people who help me do that, because without them it wouldn’t be possible and added to that my selfishness has a parole officer. So, you know we gotta watch ourselves.

One of the things I have really come to enjoy about the place where I am in my adulthood, is the fact that you are always evolving. It’s a complete myth that by the time you plateau at a certain age, you should have x-y-z figured out. There is literally nothing wrong with peeling back parts of you and only beginning to discover it now. So, I encourage you to go out there and audit your life, have a look at the things you think you can change or make a slight alteration to, I’m sure you’ll feel better for it.