When I Feel Like I Am Not Deserving

Self sabotage is a real thing, it’s also a defence mechanism and it’s been a tough thing for me to come to terms with lately and for me to not run away from. This week on the blog, I want to share my feelings on when I let my emotions get the better of me and get overwhelmed with the self imposed pressures of life, read on and see if you can relate, maybe you have fe the same at some point.

Make happiness a priority and be gentle with yourself with in the process.

Bronnie Ware

Freedom lies in being bold.

I came to a hard realization the other day, whenever things seem to be going well, I seem to forcibly stop myself from enjoying it and proceed to begin an inquest in order to find faults. Almost like it’s too good to be true, so like the ever vigilant over thinker, I am hyper sensitive to any minute changes and completely read into them, blow them completely out of proportion and then sit in the aftermath and reaffirm my initial thought. Sometimes creating scenarios or fictional realities that are nowhere NEAR the truth, but it’s a form of protectionism, trying to be ahead of the damage before it catches me off guard. 100% a trauma response if I have ever seen one. The part that seems to frustrate me is being acutely aware that I do this, trying to rationalize it’s not healthy and not based on reality, yet being unable to actually stop myself from snowballing. Maybe it’s the suppressing of how I’m feeling and the feeling that I’m not good enough- that I can’t be chosen for all that I am. Like that’s a catch, like love will essentially roar its cruel head and I will have to fall back on is myself.

Do it for you, not them.

Socia media platforms are getting a pounding lately about it’s toxicity and how many young girls are trying to be something/someone on socials whom they will never be. Comparing your life to someone on social media, aspiring to be in a big, picture perfect house, with our supermodel bodies, the Ken doll lookalike husband and the children who do not create a spec of dirt. Who are we kidding? What are we trying to project? But the fact of the matter is, before social media- we still did this. Maybe it wasn’t to the scale of following someone halfway around the world or in a different demographic, but people have always tried to keep up with someone else. Be it their neighbour or the office show off or celebrities, the only difference is now, we have less of a break from it. We step into our houses and it’s on this little device which has become our world. And I don’t believe only little girls are susceptible, it’s all of us- including myself. I mean if I’m going to be critical- I am a single parent at the age of 36 ( soon 37 ), I do not own a house, I do not have any really adult assets which many my age do or as I’m being told should do. I work a regular degular 9-5 ( all be it in a field I love ), and I am actively building up my savings. But when I step back and assess the landscape of my fellow 36/37 year olds, I cannot help but feel disheartened. Because for so long, all of these “milestones” have been markers for success and anything short of that is a disappointment, which sounds harsh, but it really can feel like that sometimes. All that to say, there isn’t one given moment where I feel disappointed, it’s more like it comes in waves, it’s not often I sit back and I give myself credit or praise- I don’t know the last time it happened. I know that I am restarting again after picking myself back up and moving countries, but it doesn’t take away from the “shame” I feel over not having more to show for it.

That being said, I think we all know that we should never compare ourselves and our growth to others, we do not and cannot know someone else’s journey, no matter how “easy” or simple it appears to be. Because I can attest to the days when I have felt at my worst, I received the most compliments on how great I looked or appear to be. Looks and behaviours can be very misleading. I wish I had some quick fix or formula for snapping out of these thoughts, but the simple truth is, not to compare yourself, someone else isn’t your marker or gauge for success. It always begins and ends with you. If you can love, accept and be proud of you, then that is at the very least the main goal.