This post is in no way intended to be a pity party or a woe is me type of rant. It’s a question I have asked myself on numerous occasions in the past couple years, in my daily overthinking session and I thought I would try to unpack it a bit more. Of course, I do know that the reality or people, trauma and baggage doesn’t lend itself to a simple yes/no answer. But, in the interest of this blog always being one of self exploration, openness and honesty…here goes.
You are worth the effort.
Let me begin by saying that in my gut, I know that I’m not undatable, but as I type this I’m still making a face. That’s mostly because I don’t fully see what I bring to the table ( work in progress ), I tend to minimize what I have to offer. I know I have many things to offer and maybe that will be the subject of another blog post in order to cheer me up, but being 37 and reluctantly stepping into the dating game I can’t help but sit here and be self-critical. Of course things happen or it might have simply been the way my life would have turned out anyways. Who really knows? But the question still remains- am I high maintenance? Do I ask for too much? Are my expectations far too high? Do I let too many things go? Is me being a single parent a deal breaker, does it make me less attractive than someone who doesn’t come as a 2 for 1? Maybe the fact that I have a child means I should focus on them for the next decade and only once they’re well into adulthood, should I pursue searching for a partner. This has been a genuine thought and sometimes it has felt like the easiest option. But the truth of the matter is, if someone is ready and their goals/dreams/needs align with yours, none of the above will matter because you will both be working towards these goals and dream together.
While discussing a similar subject, a friend of mine told me that I can come across as intimidating. This floored me, because I have always seen myself as relatable, fun to be around and super open. But apparently I’m giving off the vibe of being intimidating… because I am “pretty”, I dress well, I am intelligent, I am curious, I know a little bit about a lot of topics and I am opinionated. I love sports, I can hang with the guys but also talk makeup and fashion with the girls and I see all of the things as layers to my personality, but in doing so- am I too non-specific? Do I not have definitive, polarizing taste when it comes to likes and dislikes and is it making me come across as a people pleaser? Am I not clear enough in the things that I like to make me easier to understand or “pin down?” The empathetic part of me always seeks the option which will cause the least amount of harm. Call it people pleasing, but I just don’t want to turn around one day and see the carnage I am/was responsible for. So I choose peace in many instances. But I can’t help but ask myself what this so called peace is costing me, if in the end it’s leaving me with scars and a handful of people who just didn’t cut it.
Or the biggest “elephant in the room”, the fact that I am a single parent. Maybe this makes me appear “too independent” ( is there such a thing!!? ) and people assume due to the fact that I am a mother- our relationship would automatically be a serious one? Not that I want a fling, but I wonder if the assumption that things will begin at a certain level helps or hinders. I have rebuilt this life for myself and for all intents and purposes- I don’t need someone to step in and do that for me. I don’t need saving. I am successful in my job, it’s the right amount of creative and challenging; I am knowledgeable and I love it!! I see that as a good thing, but I am also biased. But, maybe that makes me intimidating in some way, I genuinely don’t know. So despite thinking I would conclude this post with some sort of clarity, I am none the wiser, but what I do know for sure is that the right people won’t see any of those things as flaws.