Thirty Seven Is Hitting Me Hard

I don’t know if it’s because COVID robbed of me of the joy of my birthday last year, but this year, I’m simply not feeling my birthday. Not feeling the best within myself so maybe this is what it’s reflecting, but nonetheless I am feeling a little sorry for myself. This week on the blog, I’m sulking about turning 37, pity me and give it a read.

Youth is happy because of its capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.

Franz Kafka

Birthdays have always generally been an exciting time for me, mostly because I love Christmas, how can I not, I’m born 4 days before- but also because I can just feel the momentum of the excitement in the air leading up to it. But, for the last few months, the very thought of turning 37 really turns my stomach. Yes, the oddity in me is because it’s an odd number and I don’t especially like the way it looks written down, but truthfully- it’s because I am one step closer to being 40 and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Forty. It makes my stomach lurch and I honestly, don’t like the sound of it and I most definitely feel old. I don’t care about all the quotes and the sentimental bs they tell you about turning 40- I’m not yet ready to embrace it at all. I feel like I have so much more to accomplish, and I finally feel like I’m settling into myself and then this!? Yes, I’m 100% overreacting, as it’s 3 years away, but I still can’t get over just how quickly the last 2 years seemed to have flown by. I’m still spinning from it.

I don’t intend for this post to sound fickle in any way and I accept that every day I open my eyes I should be grateful, and I am. I also realise what a privilege it is to be able to simply grow old, but I just feel like I’m not ready to BE old. Which is so innately sad. Why does time have to go by so quickly? Why do we spend so much of it on stupid, unimportant things? Like worrying about how others think about us? Or doubting our own ability? 37 years on this planet and you’d think I would know a thing or 2, but I’m here, feeling stuck and feeling like I haven’t yet accomplished any of the things I set out to do. Feeling, like I lived my life for others for far too long and that now the regret is eating away at me. Feeling like no matter how much I feel like I’ve healed, something comes along and reminds me that feelings cannot and should not be compartmentalized. The 1st world problem of growing old, in any way is one that I don’t take lightly- I fully accept that in many countries around the world, I might not be so lucky.

We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes.

Leo Buscaglia

I genuinely wish I could say that I had all the answers and at the snap of a finger, I would have it all figured out, because the organizer in me really wishes that was the case. But I guess part of life is simply rolling with the punches, not taking it all too seriously, getting back up and trying again. There isn’t a limit to reinvention, I just wish it wasn’t so painful sometimes. I wish learning about yourself didn’t take such deep shedding and that it didn’t take letting people down from time to time. Genuinely would be happy with a kumbaya moment for everyone. That being said, I will try my best to embrace this year, I know there will be moments to remember within it, so for now I will take a deep breath and simply be grateful for life itself; everything else is a bonus.